You’ll be fine without privacy

As a true patriot, you should donate it to the cause of national security

The problem with people like Rahul Gandhi is that they keep making completely false allegations against our Prime Minister. For instance, take his pet grouse that the Prime Minister doesn’t listen to the heartbeat of the people. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in my whole life. Is he the Prime Minister of India or a cardiologist at Apollo, that he should listen to heartbeats all the time? But every Indian knows that the Prime Minister does listen. If you really believe he is an arrogant man who never listens to anyone, I dare you to say so in a Facebook post, along with your address and phone number. I promise you that in 24 hours we will come to know who is a bad listener and who isn’t. As they say in Hindi, milk will become milk and water will become water. Looked at objectively, it is clear that mass surveillance is a revolutionary step that can change the very character of Indian democracy. I can’t tell you how excited I am by this move. Like every patriotic Indian, I also have great solutions for India’s problems. Now all I need to do to communicate them to the government is to open a word file in my laptop and write them down. And I’m happy to tell you that this was the first thing I did in 2019: I wrote down the solution to India’s problems. Since you can’t do surveillance on me, let me voluntarily share my solution with you: dictatorship. That’s what Indian democracy needs. All our problems have the same root cause: population. Too many Indians. And too many poor Indians. If India can reduce its population by 50%, then we will have plenty for every one. Plenty of jobs, plenty of food, and, most important, corruption and poverty will both come down by 50%. And the only way to reduce our population is to let the army run the government and leave policymaking to experts, preferably from World Bank and McKinsey. Anyway, this is what I wrote down in my laptop and I’m confident our government has taken note of it. As for those who insist on asking what about right to privacy, well, if data is the new oil, then as they say in Hindi, privacy has gone to buy oil.

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